True Lies: An Indentity Crisis
Who are you? I mean, really? Lately, Wood and I have been discussing the counteractions of public persona and personal identity. In some ways, it…by j. brotherlove
Who are you? I mean, really? Lately, Wood and I have been discussing the counteractions of public persona and personal identity. In some ways, it is related to the What Is Public And What Is Private? except, what we have been examining is what action to take when the things you keep to your self no longer want to be kept.
As a non-heterosexual (how’s that for self-identification?), I am familiar with juggling a personal sense of self and the standards of public identity; it comes with the territory. In terms of my sexuality, I’ve developed two categories for people: Those Who Know and Those Who Don’t. I’m aware that some I have placed in the Those Who Don’t category may strongly suspect. But they haven’t heard it from me so it doesn’t count.
At any rate, there came a time when maintaining a persona for the Those Who Don’t group weighed heavier on our soul than I could bear. So, I cleaned house. I let in those whose relationships I cherished and released those I didn’t.
This was a few years ago and I haven’t encountered any problems until recently at Gig #1 where I receive at least one inappropriate, flirtatious comment a week from a female. *sigh* Of course, I could curb a lot of unwanted attention at Gig #1 by “keeping it real” about my sexuality (“Thanks sweetheart. But because my attraction is stronger to men than to women, our possibility of hooking up isn’t very probable”). But, I don’t say that because, on some level, I enjoy the attention. And that bothers me, sometimes.
But, I’m getting off-track. The issue isn’t about sex. The issue is about “keeping it real” - being true to beliefs, feelings and convictions as much as possible. And Wood and I aren’t satisfied with our current balance.
Wood’s problem is more complicated than mine. Over the years, he’s amassed a intricately crafted, captivating persona revolving around free-flowing alcohol, sex and irreverent comments. In short, he’s a hoot to hang around and the life of any party worth attending. However, there’s a serious, talented, intelligent, softer core few know about. And that’s the part I like the best — because it is real. Besides, any black man who knows the difference between Chagall, Monet and Dali gets an “A” in my book.
I am a microcosm of Wood’s persona. A controlled version, if you will. I drink more than many — but not too much to get drunk. My sexploits are near legendary — but only in the smallest circles and my mouth has gotten me into trouble more than a few times. Yet, those who casually observe me, Those Who Don’t would be somewhat surprised by this info. Wood’s conundrum is both fascinating and sad, because now he wants to penetrate his superficial, public identity; and peel the onion to its pungent, tear-inducing core. And that’s a scary notion.
Where to begin? When you bump your head on the ceiling of your glass house persona, how do you fix it? I can report from experience that you can retract from society, change your name, move to another city and still wind up being who you’re not. Or maybe the problem is self-realization. Maybe our personas reveal more than we would like and what we think is the real us — the us nobody knows — is only who we want to be.
Whether, in the end, Wood selects diminutive sex kitten or sharp-tongued artisan as his coat of armor, I will be there because he is my buddy. To what degree we compromise our personal life for our public one (or vice versa) is a personal decision and far be it for me to judge how much of each to display.
As for thebrotherlove…
This online “life” of mine; an extension of my personality doesn’t represent all of me and never will. However, it’s closer than what experience during personal face-to-face interaction. I think that’s why I’m attracted to online journals so much, although, I know everything I read isn’t “true”. At one point or another, we are all guilty of embellishing, bragging and trying to sound smarter than we really are (like I am doing now). And there’s nothing wrong with that. Who wants to read: “My life is dull, I have no friends and I hate my life” everyday? Online journals — or blogs if you insist — are online personas; a layer closer to our true selves yet, still removed.
And what about me? Well, what I know to be true is… I am a Piscean sponge. My feelings, inspirations and indulgences change significantly throughout a single day. Triggered by words, images, memories and random outside stimulus. But, I am becoming more comfortable with that. I enjoy my fluid sense of personal definition. It distinguishes me. It gives me a sense of power since few IRL can “figure me out”. Besides, what choice do I have?
J…
I kept meaning to post on this yesterday and things kept getting in the way of what I was feeling.
What I’ve found since starting better left unsaid, now negroplease.com, is that there was a lot of narration going on in my head that I was never want to discuss in public or as it happened. It releases a weight off my shoulders every time I can sit down at the laptop and klickity klack the snarky commentary running alongside my memories of things. My online voice is probably my truest voice, although, I still wear the mask and stifle my relationship thoughts, my political thoughts and other thoughts somewhat because I am aware of the audience there.
But what I have found in the 3 months I’ve been writing like this is that I’ve started using that internal voice a little more often in my public world. I take a few more chances and say a few more ‘true’ thoughts in mixed company.
I think blogging or public journaling has helped me become a little more true with the world.
“….I am a Piscean sponge. My feelings, inspirations and indulgences change significantly throughout a single day. Triggered by words, images, memories and random outside stimulus. But, I am becoming more comfortable with that. I enjoy my fluid sense of personal definition. It distinguishes me…”
Fluid sense is serene. It’s that golden attribute that a lot of us sense early in life and chases it till we die, and we lose the ability to appreciate and takes things for granted, I know I have done much of that in my past, and just like you and your pure sensitivity, you create your own heavens and hells as to define your character not on what society stands, but what is in your best knowledge. Your expressions can be shallowly taken, but you manage to project a message that is so doubly true of many people.